Court Reporting Diseases

[Kyung]

These may all be fatal bec. the reporter may stand up and shoot the person who is so afflicted.

 

Carpenteritis – cannot form a coherent sentence,  false starts at least three times per thought before finally laying down something completely incomprehensible on the record.  Never takes breaks, badgers the witness, and is very argumentative.  You’ll know you’re in the presence of attorney who has Carpenteritis bec. it will feel a little like you’re taking a deposition where Porky Pig is the questioning attorney.  Caveat, usually only takes deposition of expert witnesses for which they are totally unqualified to take. Reporter may experience flashbacks and PTSD when going over transcript. May experience some growth of transcript due to excessive use of dashing.

 

Terminal Interruptus  - This can afflict both the witness and/or the attorney, wherein the offendee is unable to allow anyone else to finish a sentence without answering in the middle of the other person's sentence.  Often leading  to answering the wrong question, totally losing track of where they’re going in their questioning and/or answers leading to the reporter having to read back a crap-load of mess which is completely incoherent bec. there is not a single completed sentence and/or question to be read back.  At which point they look at you as if you are at fault.

 

Silent Objector – attorney who decides that they’re just going to mouth the objections or make some complicated hand signal to denote that he’s making an objection.   Reporter must be able to lip read and/or mind read.

 

Oris Hera – where the attorney doesn’t actually open his mouth to speak, speaking through closed lips.  Makes it very difficult to understand what the attorney may be saying, may also be complicated by speaking with the hand over the mouth.

 

Dire celeritas – speaking so quickly that words are left out, incorrect words are used, and no one can understand the attorney so that the reporter is constantly asked to re-read bec. no one knows what the person said in the first place.

Incompreheterenteritis - very badly worded questions and/or answers where either the attorney or witness may be making up words, names are mangled and no spellings are obtained bec either the witness doesn't know the spelling or the witness is obviously spelling everything wrong, including his own name.

Expeditis roughitis - Attorney or assistant will contact agency after depo is over asking where is the rough draft.  Note - attorney will have requested rough draft at said deposition.  Another disorder in which mind reading is required by the reporter.  Also, usually happens on depos where the day started at 8 a.m., went past 6 p.m. and everybody just wants to get the heck out of dodge.

Tangenitis - the witness will go off on random tangents, taking three pages to answer a yes-or-no question.

mentala perturbada - Could afflict attorney or witness, usually the witness.  Characterized by witness who are in pro per, on drugs, and.or delusional.  Deposition should probably be canceled due to incompetence of witness, but never is bec. this will probably be the second or third attempt to get the witness there and this is the first time the witness has shown up and usually the attorney is from out of town, this will be the only time they will have to depose witness.   They have a tendency to go all day and the witness will be afflicted with several of the diseases from above.

Exhibitia - attorney insists on marking the exhibits themselves, asks you for Exhibits stickers, proceeds to number up to 50, then only uses 5.  He may or may not return the remaining stickers to you.  At some point during the depo, he will turn to you and ask you what exhibit number are we on?

Exhibita simulata - Attorney will try to hand you exhibit while he and witness are both talking and will hold exhibit in mid-air while you are taking down everyone.  After you have caught up and are trying to mark aforesaid exhibit, attorney will or witness will immediately start speaking.

 

If you have any you’d like to add, feel free.

[Ann Medis]

Not to be confused with sopathy - when the witness begins every answer with "so."

[Janiece Young]

Soitis - This is when the witness answers virtually every question with "so" at the end of his answer.

Example:  My car hit the other car; so --

In my mind I'm thinking to myself, so?  So what???

[Tricia McLaughlin]

Kyung,

I've had all of them.  This is too hilarious!  Thanks!  I needed the laugh!

[Ann Medis]

Mumbleremia - occurring most often with technical expert witnesses who finish every answer in a decibel level not detectable by man always on video.

[Rosalie DeLeonardis]

My depo on Friday with a witness that talked 250 wpm, choppy, marbles in mouth, start with one thought, changed to another, back to the original thought, but the funniest when he answered a question about being hospitalized, said he broke his ankle, kicking stones, blah, blah, blah, 10-sentence answer,  so attorney wanted to clarify about kicking stones, witness said, I didn't say that, both attorney and I look at each other thinking are we going crazy, he said no, kidney stones.  I said thank God you clarified that because the transcript would have had "kicking stones."   Oh, and every few sentences, "you know what I mean." 

[Janiece Young]

Kyung, Very funny and creative and so true!!!

[Kelli Combs (admin)]

How about "You Knowitis"? 

Here is an answer to a question I had on Friday:

I don't know that's correct.  I mean, certainly we would have, you know -- before we got that specific, we would have, you know, tested -- tested the bottom, you know -- you know, comfortable negotiating in, you know, a mid-7 figure number.

Huh???

[Kyung]

Oh, I thought of another

Engorgio Pantelone - Either witness or attorney can be afflicted.  Symptoms - excessive mention of famous people they know, large of amounts of money or things they have, inflation of how important they are.  Names must be dropped and references made to how important they are or how smart they are or how much money they make whether the question calls for these references.  Makes for very long-winded deponents.

[Kyung]

I rant when I'm working on a particularly frustrating transcript.

[Kelli Combs (admin)]

I've definitely had the Exhibita Simulata and the Exhibitia.  Very frustrating.  Those are funny and so true, Kyung.  Where did you come up with these?