This was emailed to me today from Lorrie Marchant. I thought you all would enjoy it.

Rules for Keeping Court Reporters Happy

1. Rush through the door at the last minute and start the proceedings without introducing yourself. Everyone knows an important person like you anyway and appreciates that you were able to show up at all.

2. Don't bother to enunciate clearly or project your voice. Reporters can read your lips. They especially like it if you mumble when reading from documents. It is good for their ego, as it makes them feel multilingual.

3. For similar reasons, always remember to start speaking the moment the reporter begins marking exhibits, changing paper, etc., as it makes her feel ambidextrous.

4. Talk as fast as you can, preferably outshouting the other lawyers. This makes you seem even more important than you really are.

5. Ignore the reporter when she asks you to repeat or spell a name. If you know what you said, then she should too.

6. Do not aggravate the reporter by asking if she needs a break or a drink of water. These things are not necessities since reporting duties are mostly automatic, similar to the functions of a robot.

7. Never consult the reporter when deciding to work late into the night. She will be insulted if you thought she had any family or social life commitments other than working with you.

8. Don't mistake the reporter's lifeless gaze as an indication of boredom. She is actually deeply absorbed by the intricacies of your 10-minute hypothetical.

9. Please spend a lot of time off the record telling war stories. Your tales are fascinating. In fact, you should write a book. No one thinks you're wasting time.

10. If the reporter bolts out the door as soon as the deposition is over, she is simply eager to get home and relive the experience while transcribing and proofreading your words.

11. Read extensive medical reports into the record at breakneck speeds while mumbling over the unimportant parts. This gives the reporter an invigorating workout. To enhance the effect, do not identify the reports as exhibits.

12. There is no need to waste your time calling the reporter when a deposition is cancelled. She will appreciate the opportunity of visiting your office and then having the rest of the day off.

13. After the deposition is over, always spend some time trying to persuade the reporter that your client is right and that your adversary is a no good S.O.B. Everyone knows that once the reporter is in your corner, your case is as good as won.

14. Since the reporter is so anxious for you to win your case, she would prefer if you take as long as possible to pay her bill. In fact, she would be insulted if you paid her bill in less than six months.

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We should come up with "Rules to Keep Lawyers Happy." I'll start.

1. When the lawyer needs an overnight delivery, be sure to let them know that your computer crashed and you lost the entire proceedings.

2. Ask the lawyer for payment right at the conclusion of the deposition before you leave, with said money to be placed in your escrow account to ensure their payment. In fact, DEMAND the deposit money before one word is spoken on the record.

3. When the lawyer calls you on the phone to request the transcript, be sure to charge an additional $50 for the 1-minute phone call request based on $200 an hour for your time.
I rest my case! :-)

LOL @ Cindy!

Well done on all parts!!

You all made my Friday morning!!

Devon
Those are great, Kelli. I especially like No. 12.
Thank you so much for writing this enlightening and amusing (but sadly truthful) rules. I had a good laugh! Boy, I needed that.
I love it! Lol! :D
How's about this addition to the atty list:

15. Sit near the court reporter, hand them documents directly, breathe and cough in their general direction, then after the witness waives signature, apologize for coming in still half-sick from H1N1, and show your appreciation by shaking everyone's hand.

M.A.
those are really funny!!
AAAHHHH hahahahahhahahahah. That's rich lol.
Great rules. Here's one extra: When the reporter starts choking, ignore she exists because she will keep writing until she falls off the chair from gasping for breath!

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